I hope things are going well for you this year. I know I’ve been having a rough time, but don’t hold it against me. For instance, some kids in my class have been telling me you’re not real! I think they’re just jealous of the special relationship we have. They said that my parents are responsible for the gifts I get, but we both know that’s baloney—you’re the ultimate gift giver! They ask me how it’s possible that one man can know whether every kid on earth has been good or bad, and find it in his good conscience to reward one kid over another, and I tell them all they have to do is believe. I mean, I have faith in you and keep getting presents, so I must be right! Besides, there are tons of books and movies about your adventures—everyone knows the story of Rudolph!—and these aren’t stories that can just be made up. I have to admit, though, I never quite know how to answer when my friends ask me how you get your reindeer to fly…my answer is always something lame, like “Santa works in mysterious ways.” I know magic only works in the movies, but for you, I’ll make an exception. Anyway, I don’t let it get to me; the numbers are reassuring. I mean, 91 percent of whites believed in Santa as a child and 72 percent of minorities did…maybe they just got lost along the way. That many people can’t be WRONG, can they?
(PS, I want a gecko for Christmas, but I don’t want it to die when I forget to feed it. And I want world peace. And one of those pens that can write upside down and underwater, like the astronauts use. I lost my last one.)